Is There Room in the National Budget for a Dehumidifier?

By Michael Preston

It has quickly become the thing I dread the most about every morning. No, not the alarm. Not the daily grind of the upcoming workday. Not even the small fortune that I’ll inevitably be spending on food for the rest of the day. Nope – the thing I dread the most every morning is checking the weather app on my phone to find out the humidity forecast for the day. This daily routine has turned into a sadistic exercise where I get to envision just how much sweat my shirts and slacks will likely have to absorb today, as well as just how much I will be suffering during the short journeys from apartment to Metro station and Metro station to work. It is safe to say that I don’t do well in this climate.

How anyone can do this on a regular basis for years and years is beyond me. Suits? Dark suits? Sleeves? Summer heat? Any kind of heat? What kind of monster decided this was a good idea? And when will business formal shorts become a thing? Feel free to join my movement to introduce shorts and sleeveless jackets to the guidelines of business formal as I unstick my shirt from my back and look for something to wipe the sweat that is glistening on my forehead.

Maybe I’m spoiled from the dry mountain weather of Boulder or the Mediterranean climate of my hometown in California…no, I’m definitely spoiled. But I have no idea how I’m supposed to adapt to this change short of showing up to work in a tank top and flip-flops. I thought I sweated a lot when I work out, but it is a whole other level when you are trying restrain said sweating. I think I sweat more when I know I should not be sweating. What a fantastic situation to be in!

The best part is that it’s only going to get hotter! Despite locals claiming that August is the hottest month of summer, that title actually goes to July, according to the Washington Post. And the summers have only been getting hotter and more humid over time, meaning in a few weeks’ time there’s a possibility that all that is left of me is a husk drained of all fluids. Please send help in the form of industrial-strength fans and ice packs or this blog post may be my last form of contact with the world.

Until sleeves become optional in the workplace and Calvin Klein introduces a line of formal sweat-wicking apparel to compete with Under Armour, my feelings towards the humidity will be firmly planted in the “Above 75” category even if the actual weather is in the “60-65” region. This naïve California kid is not cut out for the wrath of Mother Nature.